On Monday night, we all learned about the death of beloved comedic actor, Robin Williams. I think that will be one of those moments that I will always remember exactly what I was doing: reading Ambassador applications in my kitchen when I heard my mom say "Oh my gosh no..." He was so much more than an actor to many of us, he was a source of joy and laughter.
There's one thing that I've heard or read multiple times since his passing: "But he was so funny..." Many people have been writing about the consequences on the general public of his death, but I want to focus on his life for a little bit. Yes, Robin Williams was funny. He could take a serious role and add one line to give it some humor. But what many people don't realize is that sometimes, it's the ones that are the funniest that have the most pain. And it's in that way that I feel I can relate to Mr. Williams.
If there's one thing that I can be proud of, it's that I have the ability to make people laugh. Whether it's through a comment I've made or by me being just plain stupid in front of someone, I know that I can get a chuckle out of them. My sister has recommended that I go into the stand up comedy business, but I'm thinking that might be just a dream for now. The thing is, I don't just enjoy hearing a laugh; I LOVE seeing and hearing and experiencing everything that goes into someone completely letting go and laughing. The snorts. The gasping for breath. All of the things people might be embarrassed about, I love. And I especially love knowing that I did something to get someone to that point. I never really thought of it as more than just a sarcastic ability that I had, but when I was talking with my best friend, Ally, about it one day, she pointed out that making people laugh can be seen as a talent that God has given me. I never really thought of it as a God given gift, but she was telling me about how I can use it to make people feel happy and calm them; something that God wants for all of us.
The thing is, I guess I haven't always been funny. I mean, I thought I was, but my sister told me that wasn't necessarily true. I guess I kept all the funny thoughts in my head... I used to be INCREDIBLY shy. It would take extreme bribery for me to even show up and talk in front of a group of people. Anyway, my sister and I were talking about this one day and she said "You know, Courtney, you didn't start getting funny until you started getting sick." (Let me preface this by saying my sister was a psych major...so you can imagine all the psychological evaluations she must have been doing on me during my life...) She told me that she believed I started gaining a sense of humor as a way to fight back against my disease. Making light of it might have given my brain a way of coping with such a change in my life. A few years after my diagnosis, I started really understanding what my condition meant. And it scared me. We hadn't been told that I wouldn't grow out of it at this point, but I knew my life would be changed forever. While I didn't suffer from clinical depression, I felt a sense of loss and anger that I had never felt before. I was angry with God because I didn't deserve this. I was a good person, I did the right things. I was mad that my siblings didn't seem to have this. I mean, what did I do wrong? For the first time, and only at the age of 10, I lost control of my own body, what many of us think is the only thing we have control over. The angrier and more sad that I got, the funnier my jokes were and the more sarcastic I became. It really was my brain's way of protecting myself FROM myself. I felt that if I was funny, no one would think there was anything wrong with me. I could hide my hurt and fear behind a sense of humor. And it worked!
It has actually kind of turned itself around and rather than acting as a shield from the outside world, my sense of humor has served as a way of bringing the outside world in. It's allowed me to see the humor and joy in my situation and kept me from thinking so negatively about all of it. But it doesn't change the amount of fear I feel, it just helps me cope.
So yes, Robin Williams was one of the funniest men to ever walk this earth. He had the charisma that could make any man laugh, and he will always be remembered for that. But please, don't think that just because someone is funny that that means they aren't hurting.
I get to see Zido tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited! Stay tuned because a little puppy told me that he might be interested in writing tomorrow's blog :)
Love and blessings,
Zee and Me
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