Oh my lanta, the changes life gives you! This past month has been full of them and there are only more to come! I’m currently about a week (hopefully less!) away from becoming an aunt as my incredibly preggers older sister is waiting for the arrival of her first son. This will be the first baby of my immediate family, so I know we’re all anxiously awaiting the moment we meet the little man. As if that weren’t enough of a life change, I started a new job last month and I’m absolutely loving it! I’m now a Communications Manager at a local association, so it’s awesome to actually be doing what I went to school and spent thousands of dollars for…funny how that works. And as if THOSE weren’t enough, my older brother has recently gotten engaged and will be getting married this fall to his lovely fiancée! With two weddings and a baby, 2018 is shaping up to be a big year for the family.
A few weeks back, I asked my Facebook friends for any blog topics (Blopics? Is that a thing? Can it be a thing? Let’s make it a thing.) and I was given some pretty good ones that I can expand on! The one I chose for today is one that I’ve wanted to write about for a few years, but have been tiptoeing around because I want to be sure the tone is firm, but not rude; serious, but approachable; and informative, but filled with grace. We’re going to take some time to investigate some of the “Pet Peeves” I have as a service dog partner. Obviously, I don’t speak for ALL partnerships, but from the threads I’ve seen and the conversations I’ve had, I’ve gotten the sense I’m not alone in these. Rather than just list all the “OMG” moments of my day-to-day life, I want to be sure to include some alternatives that non-partners can turn to when faced with a service dog partnership.
Doing the exact opposite of what I ask and having a little ‘tude about it
Fun fact, I’ve found that children are THE best when it comes to interacting with Zido and me. Nine times out of 10, they’ll ask if they can pet him (+100 points for asking!) Then, when I say no, they just go "Oh okay" and walk away (+1500 points for listening!) My assumption is that this is because they live in a world where every other sentence to them is: “No, don’t touch that.”
Adults, on the other hand, are prone to just reaching right out to him (-10 bazillion points) and then when I say “Oh he’s working. Please don’t,” they’ll do 1 of 3 things:
1. Stop and apologize (you get your 10 bazillion back)
2. Get offended and give me “a look"
3. Wait until they think I’m not looking and go for it again
In the age of the “Me Too” movement, we should just conclude that in all situations involving personal property and personal space, ask first and if the answer’s no, move on and respect the person.
The best thing you can do if you come up to a service dog partnership is to first look for any signage on the dog that says, “Do Not Pet/Distract.” If you don’t see that or if the dog isn’t wearing any kind of a uniform, just assume you can’t interact with it. There ya go, it’s as simple as that. If the dog is able to be touched, the partner will more than likely tell you that and give you the permission.
Asking what’s “wrong” with me
A lot of times, this question comes up like this:
Random Randy: “What’s he for?”
Me: "He’s a medic alert dog."
Now the conversation will take 1 of 2 turns:
Option 1:
Randy: "Oh awesome!"
Exit stage right
Option 2:
Randy: "No, like what medical condition is he for?"
Me: "A medical condition."
Randy: "What medical condition?"
Me: "That's actually really personal."
Maintain awkward eye contact until one of us can leave.
Most people get the hint after that, and they apologize for asking a complete stranger what their medical history is, however I’ve had a number of people that STILL go further with the questioning and say, “Oh I’m a nurse” or “I’m a doctor” or “My cousin has a service dog.” While these help me understand a bit more about why they’re asking, it’s still a very personal question to be asking a complete stranger. They’re not MY nurse and they’re not MY doctor, so I don’t feel comfortable going into detail about my medical history, and I doubt they would be either.
In my last post, I mentioned that when you’re wondering about WHY you can’t pet, think about how you would interact with someone with a cane or oxygen tank. The same applies when wondering why someone has a service dog. You would never (hopefully…) ask someone why they’re in a wheelchair, why someone’s limb is missing, or why they have an oxygen tank with them. I understand that when I made the decision to get a service dog, I made the decision to stand out a bit in public. I did not, however, make the decision to give the public a right to my personal information.
The alternative to this is like the last alternative: just don’t do it.
We are so blessed to live in a time where “Google It” has become a sentence in and of itself! If, for example, you see me on the metro and I’ve told you that he’s for a medical condition and you see a sign that says, “Cardiac Alert Dog,” go home and research “What is a cardiac alert dog?” or “What kind of service dogs are there?” I guarantee you’re going to find the answers you’re looking for and then maybe even some more!
LOUDLY pointing us out to children
This weekend, I went to a coffee shop for a little “me” date. While standing in line, this man came within 2 feet of me and LOUDLY started talking to his daughter who was definitely under a year old about “See THAT? THAT’S a SERVICE DOG. He HELPS HER with a PROBLEM she has” I wanted to list this as a pet peeve, because not only is it embarrassing to be pointed out like that by someone being very loud, but it was to a child that probably doesn’t understand what you’re even talking about.
Now, I understand that I don’t have a child and I don’t really know what it’s like to face a “Teachable Moment” with one, however I’ve had a few experiences like this one, and it becomes very clear that it’s become a moment for the parent to show others that they know what they’re talking about, rather than teaching their child a lesson. What I would suggest as an alternative is to wait until you think the service dog partnership is out of ear shot, get on your child’s level and explain what they see. During that time, I think you have a great opportunity to start the conversation on how to treat people who might seem “different” to you, one of which is to not make a scene or embarrass the person when you notice them. If I ever hear a parent doing that, I always make a point to thank them for explaining it and for doing it in such a polite way. You really have no idea how much it means to see the next generation being taught that different isn’t weird.
Contradicting what I say about service dogs to children
Back to the coffee shop scene, after this man politely stepped off his soap box and dropped the mic, he told his daughter “Now you can’t pet but you can say hi.” At this point, I understood that he was talking more so to me about what he’s allowed to do versus talking to his daughter because again, she was literally a baby. I said, “Well, actually, you can’t. Since he’s working he can’t be distracted at all.” To which he said, “Well yeah, but you can wave.” and I said, “No, you can’t. He’s working, and he can’t be distracted.” This grown man rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah, sure.” and walked away. I’ve had parents say, “He bites.” To which I quickly try to clear that up. I’ve also had a mother take her child out of the cart at a store, set it on the ground and say, “Go say hi to the puppy!” When I stepped in the way, the mother got very offended and told the child that I was, I kid you not, “a mean lady.”
If you see someone with a service dog, it’s probably best practice to think they know about how to handle a service dog and that they’re saying what they’re saying for the good of all parties involved. Please don’t teach children that to be told “no” is equivalent to the person being a “Mean Lady.”
Starting in on a question without following conversation protocol
What does this even mean? Well, one time, I was on the metro with my headphones in when the lady next to me tapped me on the shoulder. I took my earbud out and she pointed to a woman ACROSS THE CAR and said, "I think she's trying to ask you something?" I turned to the lady and she very loudly said, "WHAT'S THAT DOG FOR?"
This touches on a few of the above pet peeves, but let's look at it under the scope of "Conversation Protocol." Normally, if you want to ask someone something, you'll first make sure you're within normal conversing distance. Then you'll probably start it with something like, "Excuse me..." Once you have mentally confirmed that they've acknowledged your effort of getting their attention, you'll then begin your question.
What I find many people will do is just jump right into their question, without trying to get my attention. I've been standing in line, and someone a few people back said, "How old?" Even though I heard it, I had no clue they were talking to me so I didn't say anything. I heard them ask it again, and again no response. Finally, they said "How old is your dog?" and sounded very annoyed that they had to ask so many times.
If you have an appropriate question to ask someone with a service dog, please use the same steps you would take in asking a question of anyone else! While I know a lot of people on a train might be staring at us, I don't assume that every question asked is aimed towards me.
Talking to Zido, not me
While you shouldn't talk to a service dog at all anyway, one of the interactions I've had a few times have been people literally talk to Zido instead of me. One time, I was on an elevator and a lady said, "What's your name?" I knew she wasn't talking to me, but I still said, "Courtney." She then looked at Zido and said, "Hi Courtney!" I said, "Oh, no, MY name is Courtney." She looked at me and said, "Oh I was asking what his name is..." I replied, "I just thought since you said 'your' name, you were talking to me since he's a dog." Then I smiled and you could tell it kind of hit her, too, and she started laughing.
As crazy of an alternative as this might sound, here it goes: Talk to the human. Not the dog. Dogs can't talk.
I firmly believe that having Zido in my life has served as an AMAZING icebreaker in social situations since everyone can talk about dogs, but I'm still the person in this partnership. I've had job interviews where so much of it was spent on Zido's training that we hardly touched on my abilities! When you're engaging in a conversation with someone with a service dog, just remember to focus on the person and understand that while we can talk about our dogs all day, every day, we still like to show the world that there's more to us than our furry companions.
Telling me that my dog is sad or that I’m hurting him
This is probably one of the most hurtful things I could hear from someone. It seems like such a small comment, but for some reason it really hits me. I’ve had countless experiences where people have said the harness is hurting him, or that he looks sad to be working, or that I’M hurting him. If you’re someone that thinks this, let me clear up a few things.
First, the harness Zido has was actually designed by a canine chiropractor and was created specifically for him so that it only rests on the strongest parts of his back. While it looks heavy, it’s not - it’s created to only be about 7lbs. I love this dog more than I love myself, and while I know a stranger wouldn’t know that, I hope to get the word out that legitimate service dog partners will do ANYTHING to protect our dog. They are our lifeline and they are our best friends. I would never put Zido in a situation that I know would hurt him.
Second, Zido doesn’t look sad. He looks serious. I think I’ve said before that you probably don’t sit at your desk and smile all day. No, that’s kind of creepy. Zee is the same because he takes his job seriously. Dogs were MADE for work! Think about all the things you see dogs do and think of how happy they look. I mean, seriously, I’ve never seen anything as happy as a dog herding sheep. While Zido’s face may look sad, take a look at the rest of his body: his tail’s high, his walk’s peppy, and his ears are forward and relaxed. He loves his job and he’s good at it! While, yes, he loves coming home and taking the harness off, it doesn’t mean that he hates having it on! My favorite part of the day is getting home and changing into my pajamas (at 5:30pm…don’t judge me.) but that doesn’t mean I hate my job!
"I just love dogs so much. This is so hard for me to not pet him."
I debated adding this one, because it's such a benign comment, but it's still one that gets under my skin. When someone says it, I never know what they want me to say. Are they looking for a "Good job!" or me confirming my understanding on how hard it is? Or are they looking for an "in" that I might say, "Oh since you did so well up until now, go for it!" Most people are dog lovers. Most people find it hard to not pet him. What I find super respectful, however, is to not even acknowledge he's there. If you know you can't pet him, it's so much better to just follow through with what you know rather than pointing out that you're feeling tortured.
"I wish I could take MY dog with me everywhere!"
I wish I didn't have a medical condition that requires me to take my dog with me everywhere. Enough said.
The main points in all of these are pretty simple:
- Listen to the partner
- Respect their privacy
I’m super excited for the next post (no promises on when it’ll be!) but my husband, Zack, has agreed to do a guest post on what it’s like to be “the third-wheel” in a service dog partnership! I can’t wait to share his perspective with all of you!
Love and blessings,
Zee and Me
